Last week we mentioned the primary reason why you should avoid men who say that they don’t date black women. Lets take a moment to touch on how most black women get sucked into being interested in and interacting with them.
If you think about it, it makes no sense! A man comes up to you and essentially says, I don’t like women who look like you or women who are in your ethnic group, but then proceed to act interested in you and asks you out. Why would she give him the time of day? Why would he even pursue her in the first place?
How I’ve seen this gets started is that the guy thinks that there is something different about the black woman he’s talking to. He’ll say something like, “I don’t normally date sistas, but you seem different from the other sistas I’ve met.”
Now, he says this as a compliment. But, believe you me, this is NO compliment. He is saying that he does not value or has something against the very essence of who you are. That right there lets you know that he’s trying to start a relationship, or at the very least, start to get to know you from a place that’s equivalent to a cesspool. Or at best, beginning from a negative place. And who wants to start there?!
I want to be clear. You have NO RESPONSIBILITY to pay for some else’s bad behavior! Ever! Period!
To be fair, in many years in family law and just life experience as a black woman, I have come across good black men who were dragged through the mud and worked over pretty good by black women in their lives, whether they were wives or long-term girlfriends. Men were “emasculated” by the black women in their lives that when they tried to take their place as a man and provide a spiritual covering, protection and provision for their families, he was utterly rejected, mistreated and humiliated.
On the other side, it is common that black women have had to be the head of the household because some black men have refused to take their place, live up to their responsibilities or have given up in their families and communities. Black women have suffered so much abuse and taken advantage of financially, emotionally and everywhere in between, that they are afraid to trust men at all. It’s a vicious cycle.
So, if a man has this core belief about black women…that they’re all bad and it’s just a part of their DNA, when he gets upset or become offended at something you did or said, he is likely to act consistent with his core belief, which is to lash out and treat you badly. All of a sudden, the thing he that made you different just went out the window and you’re now and forever in the category of being a bad person.
In short, as soon as something goes wrong, you will end up being viewed by him as just another bad black woman will always look to do him harm, unless he strikes out at you, first. It’s a self-protection thing for black men who hold this judgment against black woman. This is not just true for the guy who has the “aggressive, hunter, or go-getter” type personality. I have found this to be true, even if the guy is a “big teddy bear” in every other area of his life.
Save yourself the heartache. Here’s what I suggest you do if you’re faced with this situation. I would just thank him for the compliment of coming over to say hello, tell him that I don’t believe that we would be a good fit and walk away as fast as I could. It’s just that simple.
In His love and care,